So what is it actually like to be a trans woman? Attempting to find out more I spoke to Sabrina Costance Hill, a professor at a National Teachers College from Incheon South Korea in what turned out to be a much more personal insight than I could have hoped for…
When did your cross dressing begin?
Well as far back as I can remember I have memories of dressing in my mom’s clothing. I remember occasions when I would find myself alone and try on her things. The youngest I can recall with some accuracy is a spring or summer day back in my hometown. I was walking along this path from my backyard and came across a drying line where I saw some pantyhose hanging. I had been told before that pantyhose were for girls and I wasn’t to wear them, but I took this opportunity to snatch them and try them on.
In the back of my head I knew I was doing something wrong. My guilt was two-fold. I knew I was taking someone else’s things, and I was breaking some sort of gender-law. But I put them on, continued on my walk around my block, and eventually got busted. My parents did the traditional march to the house and made me return them, thinking the embarrassment would prevent recurrences. However of course as with other transsexuals, being caught isn’t enough to break the inherent desire to be who we are meant to be. So I guess all this basically began when I was 4 or 5.
From all the research I’m familiar with, the ages of about 3 – 5 are when we start to build self-images of ourselves and identify with a gender which is of course combined with societal pressure and natural instincts that dictates our gender matches our sex. However with me, and a quiet minority our gender is different from our sex.
How did people around you react?
My family did everything they could possible think of to stop me from dressing and behaving like a girl. They saw it as a sin and a potential for embarrassment. They never accepted me and this has caused a rift between my parents that may never be fixed.
However aside from close-minded parents I had it easy compared to some of my trans-sisters. I wasn’t beat up and I wasn’t tormented.
When I officially came out some of my friends went their separate ways. Surprisingly I was embraced by many friends that I expected would leave. Some were in shock for a while but I was wrong about the reactions of a lot those around me. I was lucky really. Most responded completely differently to my parents. Because of this I care deeply about those that accepted me; they re-established my faith in people. I felt bad when coming out, not because of who I was, but the fact that for so long I had this secret and a big part of me from them. I felt like I’d betrayed their trust.
After I officially put it out there, my life was an open book. Although today I wouldn’t introduce myself as the transsexual on the first-meet with someone, if people asked I would be honest.
Although I respect their right to keep private for many girls that hide it, I’d say eventually it consumes you. This is a new-world and we are accepted like no other time in history.
You work in a teachers college though, did you find it hard in terms of employment?
In some countries being a trans-woman can cause problems when applying for a job for example Korea! Some of my past schools knew and some didn’t but they prefer to be left in ignorant bliss and not told about such things. The hardest part about finding employment if you are a trans-woman is making the first step into that HR Office and informing them.
Trans-women have it much harder than the trans-men (female-to-male). What I mean is, if a woman is slightly ‘man-ish’ in attitude or appearance they might get some random comments, but for the most part are accepted. Whereas a man wearing women’s clothing is seen as perverse, and going against the grain of society, at least traditionally.
Some employers, will harbor personal feelings and may reject you as a candidate, and it is because of this that trans-people have one of the highest rates of suicide in today’s society. Also because of the difficulties we face getting decent jobs, some trans-women turn to prostitution to make a living.
Was it easy to find support?
Yes. When I was in high school or younger, no but it got easier as the years progressed. Now I have my own internet group to help younger T-girls and boys transition where I provide assistance and advice for them. I think that the kids growing up today need less assistance than I did, they’re the net generation and have easy access to information. Plus with some very supportive and encouraging parents, they’re growing up in a different world from mine.
Would you consider yourself part of a cross dressing community?
If you mean, do I have friends that are fellow T-girls? Then yes. But unfortunately along with the groups out there that help fellow T-girls, there are more groups focusing on helping straight or bi-sexual men to meet cross-dressing men which I try to stay clear of.
What advice would you give to others thinking about making the transition?
The only thing I could say generally is that I would say do it. Do it now. Don’t wait for people to come around, do it when you are ready for it.
Trans people often internalize the blame for their ‘tranvesititism’ and that is completely wrong. Internalized blame is often a result of external pressures from society trying to divert blame from itself and keep things simple and binary. When trans-people blame themselves they only delay their transitions and make it harder for themselves.
While its important to give those around you some time, waiting years to transition is such a waste. That being said, you will loose people over time, this is one of the costs of transitioning, but not a lot can be done to stop this, you only have one shot.
You can find Sabrina’s groups on Facebook here, here, and here.
